Burn and Rave

When I was leaving the hospital today, a patient as his family and friends were standing outside, maybe waiting for a ride. As I walked by, I caught a segment of their conversation:

“This hospital is WORTHless and every who works in it is WORTHless too.”

I glared back wanting to give this fool a few pieces of my mind, but I held back my tongue. I looked away and just kept walking. My first reaction was that I felt really hurt. I work non-stop running from one patient room to another, from one building to another, to serve the healthcare of the patients in this hospital. I know it’s not glamorous. I am aware this is an inner city health facility operating on a limited budget. Many of the patients get free or government-sponsored healthc aid. I was mad at these fools who were demanding the best for free by just standing around and spitting out angry words. They are so blind.

I work with the doctors in this hospital, and even though the equipment might not always be the best, I know the doctors and the employees are the best. They are smart, talented, and caring. I was angry that these fools couldn’t and wouldn’t recognize that. They just cry out “give me give me give me” “and never say thank you.

But then I remembered the patients who did say thank you, and who did smile and show their appreciation. And then I realized what it meant to give and not expect anything in return.

Every day I’m in the hospital, I’m giving my all. Not just for a good grade, but also for the patient’s health care. I want the patients to recover, get better, and have their questions answered. The attendings and residents are very busy helping many patients, so if there is any part of the patient care that I can help with to make their jobs easier and to give them time to help other patients, then I am there to dig in 100%. I always will and I am starting to not expect any acknowledgement in return. Afterall, I’m just doing my share and I’m very happy to do so. When patients show gratitude, that’s a bonus of satisfaction. When they mouth off and have an attitude, they just don’t know. It’s all worthwhile to me.

Around the time nine o’clock rolled around last night, I was deep into the Endless Night, yet another murder mystery by Agatha Christie.  Or so I was expecting, because I don’t think the murder had occured yet, which made the guessing game more interesting.  It wasn’t just a question of who was the killer.  I was also trying to pick out who would be killed.

Another question ahead of me was whether or not to book down my delightful tome and tune into my favorite TV show.  It’s quite a rare even that I have time to watch TV, much less catch it on a night when Law and Order is on (thanks to the sport I couldn’t care less about - Sunday night football on NBC).

I could hear the exciting theme song playing in my head, would I want accompaniment from real audio as the opening credits rolled?  Would I push that POWER button?

I did push a power button, and that was my determination to stay put and keep reading and my imagination flowing.  I had already been looking at a computer screen all day, my eyes didn’t need any more of that kind of damage.  And TV has always had a hold over me.  I have the hardest time turning it off.  That’s the real power struggle.  I won this time because I didn’t even turn it on. 

Back to the murder-still-yet-to-be-committed guessing game.  In the end, even though I’ve read at least twenty of her books, Madame Christie got me again.  I was not even close to suspecting.  I borrowed another 3 books from the library, so I still have a few more chances before I dive back into the crazy sleepless schedule of clerkships (sugery this time).  Well, that’s 1 for Agatha and 0 for me.  But 1 for me and 0 for the TV. 

With a two-week semi-vacation, I had time to catch my favorite TV show Law and Order.  A girl was kidnapped because her online avatar from a computer game called Another Youniverse resembed the former victim of a child molester.  Knowing that Law and Order story lines are thinly disguised real life head lines, I searched for the computer game.  It’s called Second Life.  It seems very intriguing to enter into a fantasy land where you can choose whatever name you want, whatever looks you want, and whatever activities you want.  I even thought about signing up to try it out.  Then I remembered that I don’t even have enough time to keep up with all my real world friends and finish all my real world tasks, much less have time for fantasy friends and hobbies.  Now, instead of dreaming about a neat, spotless home, I’m going to take baby steps and go clean my bathroom to make it beautiful.  Then dishes, and then work on my research project.  Instead of clicking through various body types for an custom avatar, I’m going to do some situps to custom tone my abs.  And as for fantasy…. I’ve always wanted to have time for piano and guitar, so might as well add that to my list.  And then there’s rock climbing.  In the computer game, I might have embarked on scaling Mt Rushmore, but I think for this week I’ll settle for the wall in my gym.  To me, that’s living the life, the real life… that makes your back sore after cleaning and makes your legs ache after a good climb.

when i first started medical school, i was convinced emergency medicine was the field for me, mainly attracted by the complaint of chest pain.  then i started to really like the heart in physiology and pathology classes, so by the beginning of my second year, i thought that cardiology might be for me.  that quickly chanced to cardiothoracic surgery.  i absolutely loved the operating room and watching the heart beat and stop as it went on bypass, and then resume activity at the end of the case.  i watched many cases in my free time and even got a scholarship to do an internship in cardiothoracic surgery as my first rotation in third year, approved by all my deans to count as a fourth year elective.  but as the title of the blog goes, some thing has changed.

this weekend, i went to go visit my friends in philadelphia.  friends i grew up with, aunties and uncles i looked up to for advice, and kids that i taught in church.  i realized how sheltered i have been in my last three years of medical school.  i have forgotten how enjoyable it is to take life easy - chat with the people i care about and listen to their stories, observe how they’ve changed, talk to them about future plans, hopes, and dreams.  i think that if i do surgery, i will be able to make enough time for my immediate family - kids, husband, parents.  but i’m not going to have time to keep in touch with my larger family circle - the people i care about.  i could care about them from afar, think about them, but i want to show them that i care about them through my actions - calls, cards, and visits.  that takes time.  time i won’t have as a surgeon.  but maybe time i’ll have as an emergency physician.  plus, the training is much much shorter.  as of right now, i think i would much rather sacrifice my ego and a fancy career.  i think i’d like to forego the privilege of watching and working on a beating heart so that i’ll have time to hug and listen to the hearts of my family and friends.