Burn and Rave

Apparently designers are making pet accessories to match their human owners’ outfits.  Dog food companies are also making organic products for pets.  The consultant on the news show I was watching all this ridiculousness unravel said that pet trends mirror human trends.  I love my little pooch and spoil him, I admit that.  I even have a couple frumpy sweaters for him and feel tempted to buy galoshes for him (but I can’t find them small enough).  However, I would not spend any earnings I have on extravagant designer bags and most certainly would not consider putting my dog in a Gucci jogging suit. 

First, with designer bags: everyone knows where it’s from, so what’s the fun in carrying it around.  It’s neither mysterious nor exciting nor unique nor down to earth, all of which I like to be.  Then everyone suspects the bag is a fake from China or the back streets anyway, ownership of designer bags only attracts suspicion at best.  Why spend the big bucks on a bag when I could donate the money to a charity like children.org or my church?  Beats me.

Secondly, organic pet food is silly, but designer dog products are even more disgusting.  Children and adults in this world are starving, even in the lush United States of America.  People are struggling to have enough clothese to keep themselves warm this winter and yet these companies come out with these fancy clothes for animals.  What a shame.   Shame on the TV station for giving the supporting companies and consultants air time.  More attention should be paid towards environmental and charitable causes. 

I don’t want to know about where to get my dog holiday gifts.  He could care less.  He’s much happier with a simple chicken breast jerky which he doesn’t have to wait around for the holidays to get.  I want to know how I can recycle my trash in Chicago.  I want to know how I can help my friends quit smoking.  I want to know how open adoption works.  I want to know which food banks are welcoming volunteers.  I want to know where people without health insurance can go to get basic checkups and care.  I want to know this world is becoming a better place for people, not for privileged pets.

My dreams of being a surgeon began to bud last November when no cardiologist I emailed responded, leaving me to turn to cardiothoracic surgeons. In the summer I completed an 8-week internship rotating with the cardiothoracic surgery service at UIH and confirmed that I enjoyed the technical aspect of procedures as well as the pathophysiology of the diseases. Watching the patients heal from open heart surgery was incredible and fulfilling. Now after 8 weeks on general surgery, my eyes opened up to the many other fascinating surgical specialties such as minimally invasive gastrointestinal surgeries (including bariatric gastric bypass), plastics and burn, pediatrics, and surgical endocrinology. I even think I would enjoy general surgery enough to be satisfied choosing it as a career if I do not want to go into a fellowship after 5 years of residency. I dream of being a surgeon and of cutting people open to fix them.  And I dream of being a wise surgeon who knows when not to put people under the scapel.

But all my dreams smattered to pieces as the surgery shelf exam karate-chopped my never-had-a-chance-bum. Now, I think I need to drag my books with me to Florida where I’ll be vacationing with my parents for a week and a half. I want to study them so that I’ll be ready when my school informs me that I need to re-take the exam. But what can I study? There is really nothing I can do to prepare for the test. More surgical knowledge would not have helped me. More real-world knowledge could confuse me. And the pursuit of more medical knowledge would never end. I’m really not sure what I could have done differently to prepare for the shelf. I think a monkey filling out the circles on the answer sheet would score just as well.

I can do nothing but wait, suffer, and endure. Perhaps there is a point to this mayhem afterall, because I know that life as a surgeon is difficult and busy. My life will suffer. However, if the results of the surgery shelf point me away from surgery, I may actually have a chance at a decent lifestyle perhaps as a cardiologist or a rheumatologist.

“At the end of my suffering there was a door.”  ~The Wild Iris by Louise Gluck

The reason why I wanted to go into medicine is multi-faceted, but one of the reasons is that I didn’t think I would have to worry about money. I just take care of people and get paid enough to feed my family and to help others. I neither had any intuitive financial sense, nor did I bother developing my economic intelligence through college courses. How wrong I was! There’s a lot that goes into being a physician…. paying off medical school debt, budgeting with a scant residency salary, and then as an attending there’s paying rent for office space, paying for a secretary and medical assistants and nurses, paying malpractice (weep), paying professional society fees, maximizing efficiency of office visits, and perhaps much much more that my naieve mind has not conceived.

While I did finally figure out how to do my taxes, I’m not off to much of a good start. I had been writing articles for the school newspaper’s health section and was surprised when I got paid for them, not much, but still something I’m quite grateful to receive. The checks were inconveniently located in a campus a few miles away, and my schedule was always inconveniently full. I kept asking to get the checks via mail, but it took 6 months for the checks to be sent to my house. I did examine the checks to see if there was a deadline set for me to deposit them, but no such warning was apparent, unlike my checks from college that gave me ninety days.

I took my time and soon it was another six months before I finally made an effort to deposit them at the bank.  Apparently they expire after six months.  That’s almost $200 that expired.  Ooops.  My lack of aggression in financial matters seems to have caught up with me.   I hoped that my smooth communication skills might be able to save me.

I emailed the newspaper accountant apologizing for allowing the checks to expire and asking for the amount to be renewed and re-sent to me.  Afterall, I did make a sporadic effort to have the checks routed to my house.  I expected the worst, but two weeks later, the accountant worked his magic and I got both a $190 check and a very important lesson in financial responsibility.

When I was leaving the hospital today, a patient as his family and friends were standing outside, maybe waiting for a ride. As I walked by, I caught a segment of their conversation:

“This hospital is WORTHless and every who works in it is WORTHless too.”

I glared back wanting to give this fool a few pieces of my mind, but I held back my tongue. I looked away and just kept walking. My first reaction was that I felt really hurt. I work non-stop running from one patient room to another, from one building to another, to serve the healthcare of the patients in this hospital. I know it’s not glamorous. I am aware this is an inner city health facility operating on a limited budget. Many of the patients get free or government-sponsored healthc aid. I was mad at these fools who were demanding the best for free by just standing around and spitting out angry words. They are so blind.

I work with the doctors in this hospital, and even though the equipment might not always be the best, I know the doctors and the employees are the best. They are smart, talented, and caring. I was angry that these fools couldn’t and wouldn’t recognize that. They just cry out “give me give me give me” “and never say thank you.

But then I remembered the patients who did say thank you, and who did smile and show their appreciation. And then I realized what it meant to give and not expect anything in return.

Every day I’m in the hospital, I’m giving my all. Not just for a good grade, but also for the patient’s health care. I want the patients to recover, get better, and have their questions answered. The attendings and residents are very busy helping many patients, so if there is any part of the patient care that I can help with to make their jobs easier and to give them time to help other patients, then I am there to dig in 100%. I always will and I am starting to not expect any acknowledgement in return. Afterall, I’m just doing my share and I’m very happy to do so. When patients show gratitude, that’s a bonus of satisfaction. When they mouth off and have an attitude, they just don’t know. It’s all worthwhile to me.

Around the time nine o’clock rolled around last night, I was deep into the Endless Night, yet another murder mystery by Agatha Christie.  Or so I was expecting, because I don’t think the murder had occured yet, which made the guessing game more interesting.  It wasn’t just a question of who was the killer.  I was also trying to pick out who would be killed.

Another question ahead of me was whether or not to book down my delightful tome and tune into my favorite TV show.  It’s quite a rare even that I have time to watch TV, much less catch it on a night when Law and Order is on (thanks to the sport I couldn’t care less about - Sunday night football on NBC).

I could hear the exciting theme song playing in my head, would I want accompaniment from real audio as the opening credits rolled?  Would I push that POWER button?

I did push a power button, and that was my determination to stay put and keep reading and my imagination flowing.  I had already been looking at a computer screen all day, my eyes didn’t need any more of that kind of damage.  And TV has always had a hold over me.  I have the hardest time turning it off.  That’s the real power struggle.  I won this time because I didn’t even turn it on. 

Back to the murder-still-yet-to-be-committed guessing game.  In the end, even though I’ve read at least twenty of her books, Madame Christie got me again.  I was not even close to suspecting.  I borrowed another 3 books from the library, so I still have a few more chances before I dive back into the crazy sleepless schedule of clerkships (sugery this time).  Well, that’s 1 for Agatha and 0 for me.  But 1 for me and 0 for the TV. 

With a two-week semi-vacation, I had time to catch my favorite TV show Law and Order.  A girl was kidnapped because her online avatar from a computer game called Another Youniverse resembed the former victim of a child molester.  Knowing that Law and Order story lines are thinly disguised real life head lines, I searched for the computer game.  It’s called Second Life.  It seems very intriguing to enter into a fantasy land where you can choose whatever name you want, whatever looks you want, and whatever activities you want.  I even thought about signing up to try it out.  Then I remembered that I don’t even have enough time to keep up with all my real world friends and finish all my real world tasks, much less have time for fantasy friends and hobbies.  Now, instead of dreaming about a neat, spotless home, I’m going to take baby steps and go clean my bathroom to make it beautiful.  Then dishes, and then work on my research project.  Instead of clicking through various body types for an custom avatar, I’m going to do some situps to custom tone my abs.  And as for fantasy…. I’ve always wanted to have time for piano and guitar, so might as well add that to my list.  And then there’s rock climbing.  In the computer game, I might have embarked on scaling Mt Rushmore, but I think for this week I’ll settle for the wall in my gym.  To me, that’s living the life, the real life… that makes your back sore after cleaning and makes your legs ache after a good climb.

when i first started medical school, i was convinced emergency medicine was the field for me, mainly attracted by the complaint of chest pain.  then i started to really like the heart in physiology and pathology classes, so by the beginning of my second year, i thought that cardiology might be for me.  that quickly chanced to cardiothoracic surgery.  i absolutely loved the operating room and watching the heart beat and stop as it went on bypass, and then resume activity at the end of the case.  i watched many cases in my free time and even got a scholarship to do an internship in cardiothoracic surgery as my first rotation in third year, approved by all my deans to count as a fourth year elective.  but as the title of the blog goes, some thing has changed.

this weekend, i went to go visit my friends in philadelphia.  friends i grew up with, aunties and uncles i looked up to for advice, and kids that i taught in church.  i realized how sheltered i have been in my last three years of medical school.  i have forgotten how enjoyable it is to take life easy - chat with the people i care about and listen to their stories, observe how they’ve changed, talk to them about future plans, hopes, and dreams.  i think that if i do surgery, i will be able to make enough time for my immediate family - kids, husband, parents.  but i’m not going to have time to keep in touch with my larger family circle - the people i care about.  i could care about them from afar, think about them, but i want to show them that i care about them through my actions - calls, cards, and visits.  that takes time.  time i won’t have as a surgeon.  but maybe time i’ll have as an emergency physician.  plus, the training is much much shorter.  as of right now, i think i would much rather sacrifice my ego and a fancy career.  i think i’d like to forego the privilege of watching and working on a beating heart so that i’ll have time to hug and listen to the hearts of my family and friends.

I love Chicago.  I just saw an ad for a Canine Cruise on Lake Michigan.  I can take my Rockie with me to enjoy the Chicago skyline!  $20(-$5 coupon) for owner + $6 for dog.  But then again, I could also take my dog out for a run around the neighborhood for free which I think he would appreciate much more than being cramped in my grasp and rocked on a boat for three hours.  Still, good to know what’s out there.  That’s how it has been for my entire existence in Chicago.  I absolutely love the city for all the festivals and attractions.  I don’t have time to attend them, but I’m still glad to know that the options are out there and think about them as I hurry on my way between patient rooms and calculating ins and outs.

My neighbor’s daughter and another neighbor’s niece were playing together and they stopped to chit chat with me as I pulled in from biking and started to pump my tires.  Nicknames, Disney movies, birthdays… then they ask me my age.  And then they ask me if I’m married.  I’m not.  So the seven year old niece decides to give me some dating advice by telling me about an episode from a dating show and then concluding,

“So you need to find a man who loves you for who you are, and not some big-headed jerk.” 

I laughed so hard, that moment was definitely the highlight of my day, next to biking next to the park and smelling the fresh scent of trees.  Kids say the funniest things, and they often contain the undiluted truth. 

I am currently in between rotations, so this is the first weekend I haven’t had to go to the hospital on Sunday.  Time, however, must still be spent wisely.  I still have a whole list of things to get done.  Wrapping up papers from my last rotation, starting to read material for my next rotation, catching up with friends, spending time with family (thank goodness my parents and grandparents like taking a siesta so that I can have some midday time to myself!), making plans for the elementary class I teach at my church, and cleaning up my room, cleaning up my mess in various parts of the house, and working out.

I love being busy, because I feel very productive.  I can’t imagine living in another part of the world where life just lazily passes by, where the denizens have but one thing to do on their list for the day - go to the bank, go to the cafe, or go visit a friend.  My day is made up of all of those and more.  On the other hand, I wonder if they live longer.  Even if they do, I am satisfied with my life and my responsibilities.  I think that’s the most important thing to discover in life - the perfect balance needed for satisfaction.  

Now, I am off to start the washer to clean my sheets and then back to the computer to work on my cardiothoracic surgery papers, followed by running and then planning the next quarter for my class.  My day is filled with organized chaos and I dig it!